Many people spend a good portion of their lives allowing their jobs to define them, and being primarily identified as a member of a particular profession. But what if we stopped asking others, “What do you do for a living?” and instead asked questions that gave us insight into who people actually are?

For starters, the standard ice breaker, “What do you do for a living?” is unoriginal and inherently riddled with undertones of judgment. By asking that question, we are appropriating certain cultural norms and placing emphasis on something that may be irrelevant or even uncomfortable for others. What about retirees, stay-at-home moms and dads, people who were laid off, or those unable to work due to a medical disability? Taking all kinds of circumstances into consideration, why is work typically the first thing we ask about when we meet someone new? Better yet, why does it even matter?

What if, instead, we begin by asking, “What are you passionate about?”

Or even, “How do you enjoy spending your time?” I read an interesting Wall Street Journal article this morning entitled “Stop Telling Everyone What You Do for a Living.” It suggested the following idea: what if at a party where few people were acquainted with one another, no one was allowed to mention or ask about professions until the end of the evening? Instead, the guests had to get to know each other on a more personal level, and discuss their interests, passions, families, and experiences. When we fire straight out of the gate with, “What do you do for a living?” it can easily color our perception of the entire ensuing interaction with a new acquaintance. What would happen if we got to know someone without a preconceived notion of who they are based on what they do for work?

Fact: Many people directly tie their primary identity and self worth to their vocation.

However–despite the time, energy, education, and training many of us dedicate to professions or to honing a particular craft–our jobs should not define who we are, or determine our worth as humans.

In April, I was chatting with someone close to me who informed me that certain mutual acquaintances of ours had been speculating about my work and financial situation (why exactly, I’m not sure). Since I don’t report to an office every day or have a typical 9-to-5, apparently the general assumption about me was that “she doesn’t work and must be independently wealthy.” Interesting. Neither of those statements is in fact accurate, and I’m not sure what bothers me more–that anyone thought it was appropriate or even relevant to discuss those things in the first place, or that they never bothered to get to know me well enough to think any differently.

I don’t spend a lot of time discussing my work or posting on social media or my LinkedIn profile about clients and projects, despite building a business from scratch that has done over a million dollars in sales since its inception, mainly because I don’t find discussing work (mine or other people’s) all that interesting. My work is literally the least interesting thing about me.

When the pandemic changed the way small businesses everywhere were forced to operate, I, along with many other SBOs, had to pivot. Thankfully, I did not have to close my business, I just had to change how I operate on a daily basis. Do I appreciate that after more than 15 years running a retail shop, at times being both the boss and only employee, I was finally able to establish more flexibility in how my business is structured? Yes. Absolutely. And that, surprisingly, caused a snowball effect of positive change that allowed so many other pieces of my life, both personal and professional, to click into balance. It helped me realize that I, along with every single other person out there, am defined by so much more than my day job. And, we each deserve to be considered–and valued–for way more than what we do for a living.

Personally, I would much rather people get to know me, for me.

So, what do I want people to know about me? I suppose let’s start with some of the things I’m passionate about:

1. Writing, honestly and from the heart.
2. Being in nature, whether it’s hiking, camping, exploring, or just digging in my own backyard.
3. Practicing the art of taking a decent photograph, and the pure happiness I feel when I happen to get a really great shot.
4. Playing and teaching tennis, with the hope that I might instill in someone else the lifelong love of the sport that I have found.
5. Becoming part of a community, building connections, and fostering mutual respect and kindness.
6. Providing a comfortable, nurturing, welcoming space for friends and family to gather.
7. Sharing a great meal with people who matter to me.

Next time you’re face-to-face with a new acquaintance, maybe take a second to catch yourself before asking the age old question What do you do for a living? Instead, ask yourself what you would really like to know about that person. You may be surprised at the deeper connection that could result from such a simple deviation from the norm. And the gift you’re giving someone else by asking who they are, not simply what they are, is invaluable.